Tough week

This week marks a tough anniversary for me. On May 1, 2004 I had a difficult conversation with my ailing father. I stopped by his house to tell him goodbye as I was leaving Longview to head back to Liberty for another week until I would be back to help my mom care for him. When I arrived he had a terrible cough. I knew I couldn't leave town with him being that sick. I told him he would need to go to the hospital b/c it sounded like he had pneumonia. With him being a cancer patient, this is something that couldn't be taken lightly. He told me he was done with the hospital & did not want to go back. His only other option was hospice care. I told him that I would need his permission to call for hospice. He thought it over for a little bit & told me to call them. Sounds like a simple enough conversation, but it was the most difficult one I've ever had. I knew that by agreeing to go on hospice my father had given up hope in living. He fought a hard fight against bladder cancer for 18 months; going through extremely uncomfortable and humiliating tests and procedures, enduring the surgical removal of his bladder-swallowing all of his pride wearing diapers as he learned to urinate through a new "bladder" created from his intestine, losing his hair-all but a few strands that he so proudly combed & sprayed into place-as he battled through chemo, total loss of appetite, weight loss, mouth sores, pain, night sweats & just overall discomfort all for the sake of survival. He was willing to pay the high price of treatment in order to prolong his life. Unfortunately his cancer was already a stage 4 when it was found and we knew his prognosis wasn't great. Once hospice took over his care-and they did a great job-he only lived a week. We lost him on May 8, 2004.
I'm missing my dad a lot tonight. He & I had a strained relationship for most of my life. It wasn't until I was 17 that we began trying to mend things. It took time for us to get to a place where we really got along & were able to discuss our feelings together. I am so grateful that God prompted a conversation between the two of us at a youth camp in Lone Star, TX that would begin a new relationship. On the day my daddy died I can honestly say there were no words left unspoken. He knew my love for him & I knew his for me. It is still so painful. Painful that he will not see his grandchildren grow up. He never knew my 2 princesses, and oh, would he have been head over heels for them! I never imagined how much my world was going to shift after he left, but WOW! Even now, as I'm looking for a new vehicle I wish I could call for his advice. I wish I could tell him how well Jason & I are doing. The very trait I think my dad feared the most in Jason was his risk taking, but I know he really admired Jason's passion & zeal for life. Jason was the last person to speak to my daddy. When my dad was no longer able to communicate, my husband was the one to sit with him & encourage him to embrace heaven. He told him it was okay for him to leave now and that everything on this side of heaven was going to be okay. He told him that he was pursuing his education & that the kids and I were going to be taken care of. Five minutes later I went in to check on my dad. He had left the room to enter into eternity with his Heavenly Father. The same Heavenly Father who held me through the pain of losing my daddy and the same Heavenly Father who at this very moment is holding me as I cry. I am so grateful that my dad no longer suffers from the pain of cancer, the battle of depression, the temptation to pick up another cigarette. He has a new, perfect body. I rejoice for him. I know if he had been able to see into his future & the destruction smoking would cause his body, and the anguish that the loss of his life would cause his family he would've never picked up that first cigarette.
Jesus wrap me in your peace this week as I struggle to block out tough memories. Please replace them with memories of the good times. Thank you for being my eternal Father.