Have you ever felt as though you were trapped in a dark hopeless pit with no way out? I have felt prompted to share for several months, but have had a difficult time finding the words to convey my story. I had hoped that as I stared at a blank sheet of paper time and time again, with a pen in hand, poetic verse would begin to fill the page to express myself eloquently. Even now I am finding it difficult to piece together my thoughts...so I'll just dive in...
About nine months ago, a post came across my Facebook newsfeed which captured my attention. Someone was requesting prayer for the family of a young man who had taken his own life. Because I may or may not be a Facebook stalker, (in a totally non-creepy way, of course) I found my way to this gentleman's page. He had pictures posted of his beautiful family- a gorgeous wife and an adorable child. His status updates spelled out his story. Their relationship was crumbling and he was broken, hopeless. He bid farewell to family and friends via his final status update. Comments of concern and pleas for explanation flooded below, yet all were left unanswered. In a moment he was gone. My heart ached, not only for this poor family, but even more so for this man whom I had never met. At this point I began to tell my husband that I needed to share my story. Many evenings I sat with a journal and pen in hand. Words failed me. Five months later, news of another (unsuccessful, praise Jesus!) attempted suicide came. This time, a little closer to home; someone I went through school with. Over the next week, TWO more lives were lost; one as the byproduct of years of self-medicating for depression, and another by suicide. Again, I told Jason, "I need to tell my story". Words failed me. Another life in our community was lost this week to suicide. A mother. I didn't know her, but my heart breaks.
Eloquent or not, I must speak out. I cannot speak for these others, only for myself. I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO FEEL HOPELESS. At the tender age of 14/15 I began to struggle with (undiagnosed) depression. I felt rejected, like I could never be "enough". The pain of not having the attention and acceptance that I so desperately longed for left me searching for a way out. I wanted to be numb. I learned that prescription medication given to me for physical pain could also help numb emotional pain. While I only took the prescribed amount, I would take it on rare occasion for the wrong reason. For months I would come home from school (9th grade) and sleep in order to avoid facing the pain of my thoughts. It hurt to "feel". In my mind, the only way to cease feeling was to cease existing, so I had thoughts of taking my life, even to the point of walking through the motions one day until God intervened with a quick flash of reality which scared me out of my plan. During this same time I was getting plugged in to a great youth group and was hearing the gospel message for the first time. The God of the universe desired to have a relationship with me. Acceptance. He noticed me. He wanted me. He pursued me. Wow! I began to seek Him, and through the reading of His Word He revealed Himself to me. Did my life become perfect? By no means. Did I cease to struggle? Nope. In fact, if anything, I began to struggle more- to struggle with the idea that there truly is purpose for my life, whereas before, I was ready to crater to the idea that there was no purpose to continue living. Now I knew that my purpose was to know Jesus and to make Him known. Life is a journey with many twists and turns. Sometimes the terrain is rocky. Sure, there have been moments when it's gotten rough and I've begun to feel like giving up would be easier than pressing on. I've experienced 5 pregnancies, 2 of those with pretty severe postpartum depression. Through much counsel, here is what I've learned: Feelings cannot be trusted and must be replaced with truth found in God's Word. A wise woman once told me to hold the lies that I hear from the devil ("You're not good enough") up to the Lord and ask Him to reveal truth ("You are chosen; a royal priesthood, a holy nation...I am HIS"). I may hear, "You're a horrible housekeeper", to which Jesus may reply, "You're not a horrible housekeeper, BUT you do need to stop being lazy and do all things with excellence". :) When I was suicidal, I never once thought of how my actions were going to affect my loved ones, not because I didn't care about them- I loved them very much and would never want them to hurt, but because I was hyper fixated on my circumstances. It has been a process for me through the years to learn to shift my focus from my circumstances to my Savior. I needed saving. I was drowning in a pit of hopelessness. He rescued me, and I am eternally grateful. Life was not meant to be lived in isolation. Plug into a body of fellow believers for accountability; surround yourself with those who will say, "Sister, how's your heart today? Where's your focus?" Practice Galatians 6:2 Bear one another's burdens....
If you feel like you're drowning, I have a life preserver to throw your way. Reach out for help! Don't struggle alone.
