Hope

  Have you ever felt as though you were trapped in a dark hopeless pit with no way out? I have felt prompted to share for several months, but have had a difficult time finding the words to convey my story. I had hoped that as I stared at a blank sheet of paper time and time again, with a pen in hand, poetic verse would begin to fill the page to express myself eloquently. Even now I am finding it difficult to piece together my thoughts...so I'll just dive in...
  About nine months ago, a post came across my Facebook newsfeed which captured my attention. Someone was requesting prayer for the family of a young man who had taken his own life. Because I may or may not be a Facebook stalker, (in a totally non-creepy way, of course) I found my way to this gentleman's page. He had pictures posted of his beautiful family- a gorgeous wife and an adorable child. His status updates spelled out his story. Their relationship was crumbling and he was broken, hopeless. He bid farewell to family and friends via his final status update. Comments of concern and pleas for explanation flooded below, yet all were left unanswered. In a moment he was gone. My heart ached, not only for this poor family, but even more so for this man whom I had never met. At this point I began to tell my husband that I needed to share my story. Many evenings I sat with a journal and pen in hand. Words failed me.  Five months later, news of another (unsuccessful, praise Jesus!) attempted suicide came. This time, a little closer to home; someone I went through school with. Over the next week, TWO more lives were lost; one as the byproduct of years of self-medicating for depression, and another by suicide. Again, I told Jason, "I need to tell my story". Words failed me. Another life in our community was lost this week to suicide. A mother. I didn't know her, but my heart breaks.
  Eloquent or not, I must speak out. I cannot speak for these others, only for myself. I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO FEEL HOPELESS. At the tender age of 14/15 I began to struggle with (undiagnosed) depression. I felt rejected, like I could never be "enough". The pain of not having the attention and acceptance that I so desperately longed for left me searching for a way out. I wanted to be numb. I learned that prescription medication given to me for physical pain could also help numb emotional pain. While I only took the prescribed amount, I would take it on rare occasion for the wrong reason. For months I would come home from school (9th grade) and sleep in order to avoid facing the pain of my thoughts. It hurt to "feel". In my mind, the only way to cease feeling was to cease existing, so I had thoughts of taking my life, even to the point of walking through the motions one day until God intervened with a quick flash of reality which scared me out of my plan. During this same time I was getting plugged in to a great youth group and was hearing the gospel message for the first time. The God of the universe desired to have a relationship with me. Acceptance. He noticed me. He wanted me. He pursued me. Wow! I began to seek Him, and through the reading of His Word He revealed Himself to me. Did my life become perfect? By no means. Did I cease to struggle? Nope. In fact, if anything, I began to struggle more- to struggle with the idea that there truly is purpose for my life, whereas before, I was ready to crater to the idea that there was no purpose to continue living. Now I knew that my purpose was to know Jesus and to make Him known. Life is a journey with many twists and turns. Sometimes the terrain is rocky. Sure, there have been moments when it's gotten rough and I've begun to feel like giving up would be easier than pressing on. I've experienced 5 pregnancies, 2 of those with pretty severe postpartum depression. Through much counsel, here is what I've learned: Feelings cannot be trusted and must be replaced with truth found in God's Word. A wise woman once told me to hold the lies that I hear from the devil ("You're not good enough") up to the Lord and ask Him to reveal truth ("You are chosen; a royal priesthood, a holy nation...I am HIS"). I may hear, "You're a horrible housekeeper", to which Jesus may reply, "You're not a horrible housekeeper, BUT you do need to stop being lazy and do all things with excellence". :)  When I was suicidal, I never once thought of how my actions were going to affect my loved ones, not because I didn't care about them- I loved them very much and would never want them to hurt, but because I was hyper fixated on my circumstances. It has been a process for me through the years to learn to shift my focus from my circumstances to my Savior. I needed saving. I was drowning in a pit of hopelessness. He rescued me, and I am eternally grateful. Life was not meant to be lived in isolation. Plug into a body of fellow believers for accountability; surround yourself with those who will say, "Sister, how's your heart today? Where's your focus?" Practice Galatians 6:2 Bear one another's burdens....
  If you feel like you're drowning, I have a life preserver to throw your way. Reach out for help! Don't struggle alone.    

My 2014 Weight Loss Story

  To answer the question, "What changes have you made to accomplish this weight loss?", I need to take several steps back to where it all began for me. First of all, I have struggled with my weight since I entered into motherhood. With 5 pregnancies in a 7 year period, I never got a grip on the problem. Then, while the children were younger, I did what most moms do, and I focused my attention on them neglecting myself. In the spring of 2011, I developed walking pneumonia, and then had an unexplained relapse just a few months later. I was on strong doses of antibiotics and never regained my energy after my first diagnosis. I was under the care of my primary care physician for 4 months, and underwent a plethora of blood tests including an HIV screen. WHAT?!?! I've been monogamous, never had a blood transfusion or used intravenous drugs. All I could think was, "I should've never gotten that tattoo!" Praise God, it was negative, but those were a few of the scariest days of my life.  I was told that at some point I had contracted mononucleosis, though I was never aware of it, I assumed it must've hit me while I was down with walking pneumonia, which would've explained my exhaustion. I was also continuing to spike a low grade temp daily, and was suffering from pretty extreme swelling in one ankle in particular, so I then sought help from an ENT who was working for our company at the time. He found that I had hypothyroidism and put me on medication. I was SO excited to have something to blame my weight problem on. I could finally say, "I have a thyroid condition." Isn't that crazy? While my symptoms did improve, they were not fully resolved. Through further testing, he told me that I had an overgrowth of candida in my bloodstream, which could easily be explained by the high doses of antibiotics I had been on earlier. By this time, a year had past since I had walking pneumonia. I was put on medication and a strict diet for 6 weeks, which did help. Then, a few months later, I got on an antibiotic for my face. Yes, I was in my mid 30's and struggling with acne. My symptoms returned. I talked to the P.A. at my dermatologist's office and expressed my desire to switch to something topical, explaining my concern. After hearing what I had to say, he asked if anyone had ever checked me for lupus. No, they hadn't. A few months later, I went back to my PCP. I let her know what all had gone on since I saw her last. She was quick to let me know that "candida overgrowth" wasn't something that the medical world viewed as a true condition. Hmmm. That's funny. A medical doctor diagnosed me. She referred me to an endocrinologist to look further into my thyroid condition, and didn't feel I had enough symptoms of lupus to warrant the lab work. At this point, we are about a year and a half into my "health crisis". I showed up at the endocrinologist's office with a 3 page list of my medical history. She told me that she didn't have time to read it, and just wanted me to give her a rundown of what it said. I had a low grade temp in her office that day. She felt of my neck and squeezed my ankles through my boots to "feel" the swelling. Blood work was ordered to check for Cushing's disease. The results were negative, she wrote a Rx for a new thyroid medication, and ordered a 1 year follow-up. By now I am feeling like I'm not being heard and I must be a super hypochondriac, so I decide to totally ignore my symptoms, because obviously my body was lying to me. All labs, other that my thyroid were normal. I returned to the endocrinologist's office a year later, being sure to wear capris and flip flops so that my still swollen ankles would be exposed. When I let her know that there had really been no change since I saw her a year earlier, and pointed out that I still had a low grade temp only at certain times of the day and that my ankle resembled that of an elephant, she replied, "Yeah, that's not normal." You don't say. That's what I've been thinking for the past 2 years. I was then referred to a rheumatologist to check for an autoimmune disorder. This new doctor was extremely thorough, which I truly appreciated. An x-ray of my ankle was ordered along with $3,000.00 worth of blood work. My x-ray came back clear, and the labs showed that my albumin level was elevated which just indicated swelling in the body. It also stated that a monoclonal light chain had been detected, which can be an indicator of Multiple Myeloma (blood cancer). My sweet oncology nurse sister-in-law tried to convince me that I did not have MM, but based on my own study of WebMD (which should be outlawed) I just knew I was dying. The doctor wanted to repeat the lab in 6 weeks. I was a wreck for most of that time. I had the elders in our church anoint me with oil and pray over me. The second test was negative. Again, Praise God! At that point I made the decision to stop living my life in fear of the "what if's". While I was elated to have a good report, I remained frustrated because I still had all of the same symptoms. This has been a 3 1/2 year journey. During this time, I made a new friend through our homeschool adventure. Wendy Wallace. Wendy is an herbalist. She would listen to me at our park days and tell me she would love to help me if I'd like to make an appointment with her. You have to understand, for 3 1/2 years I've listened to doctors contradict one another- some had a more traditional medical background, while others were of a more holistic approach, and I was left in the middle not trusting any of them because I didn't know who to believe. In January 2014, I stepped on the scale to see that I had reached an all time high. Disgusted and determined to make a change, I took to MyFitnessPal. Mainly focusing on what I ate, I still couldn't seem to drum up the energy to exercise. In March, I decided to take Wendy up on her offer. After several tests done in the comfort of her home office, she recommended several herbs and flower essences to help strengthen the systems in my body which she found to be weak (the same ones the doctors had all determined to be weak as well). Without consulting her or my doctor, I took myself off of my thyroid medication and relied only on the supplements she recommended. Her recommendation was for me was to continue these supplements for a time to build up my immune system, then begin a "candida cleanse" which included a 14 day supply of additional supplements to help kill off the candida overgrowth in my body along with an extremely strict diet excluding any sugars or anything that turns to sugar for 21 days. I am currently on day 19 of this 21 day journey. I have not cheated even a tiny bit, only by the grace of God. He has shown me that He truly has given me a spirit of self-control, and that I just have to walk in it. I have gained a lot of energy. My wedding ring fits on my finger for the first time in over a year- comfortably even! The swelling in my feet is almost completely gone (I think there may be a ganglion cyst on one ankle causing it to be a little larger). I am working out at least 5 days a week now , and my face is much clearer. Wednesday I will begin to slowly add things back to my diet, but plan to remain on a low to medium glycemic index way of eating. Of course I have a fear of some weight coming back on, but I had the same fear when getting off the 14 day supply of pills, and my weight loss has continued. I still eat large portions of food, it's just healthy, cleaner options with fewer calories; lots of dark greens with sides of protein and a lot of water with lemon. I plan to follow up with my PCP at the end of the year to check on my thyroid level along with the other things that were off, but I feel much better now than I did on the thyroid medication. You can call it quacky, but this is MY story, and it has worked for me. While I have experienced an exciting weight loss and hope to continue this pattern, I am even more ecstatic to have a better quality of life due to a healthier lifestyle. Y'all hold me accountable!